I've been thinking about the last year today.  I think the most appropriate comparison is being on that ride at California Park in Disneyland.  The Terror of Tower I think it's called.  It takes you up so many stories and then the next thirty seconds or so are filled with sudden drops and just as sudden "ups" I guess you'd call them.  Jesse and I had a chance to go on the ride together while Aunt Carla watched Jace.  I left with my stomach in my throat and he left wanting to go right back on.  I wish we had.  The comparison is probably not good but I'm not really sure how else to describe it. 

Six months ago, March 28th, we were south of Sacramento on our way home from our week in Disneyland.  Two days earlier, escrow on our first home had closed.  We were two hours away from picking up the keys to our house from our realtor.  Two more hours and I left to finish the laundry down the street.  One hour after that I came home and he was gone.

Our family went  from complaining about how much I had to do that night to promising I would never complain again if only he would start breathing again; from making plans for our first home to making
plans for his funeral; from three to two, all in a matter of minutes. 

Since that night, life has been going on.  Just like it always does.  I can't say how many times I've heard that said in the last six months.  If I had to choose one statement that I never wanted to hear again that would be the one right now.  Because it does go on, but it's not how we had thought it would be or wanted it to be.  I don't think there was ever a point where I wanted to be a single parent and as impossible as it seems, I'm getting sick of my ideas being the only ones when it comes to remodeling the house. 

So back to the Tower of Terror, floor dropping out from under you analogy...The floor has dropped out from under my feet and just when I get going again, it seems like the floor drops again.  It's not that anything specific has happened (other than two fire evacuations and our property burning to a crisp).  It's those "sucker-punch" moments, the ones where I'm walking along and something triggers a memory and I'm back to that moment again.  For the first month or so, life KO's you with them almost constantly.  They don't happen as often anymore but that brings it's own problems- feeling guilty about having any sort of normal

That said, I am beyond grateful and blessed by my son, Jace.  He is the most constant "up" in my life.  I am amazed by his likeness to Jesse at times.  He is a stubborn, smart, silly six year old that tests my patience daily.  I'm not sure where I would be right now without him.  For him, the last six months has been getting used to life with Mommy as the first and last yes or no. It's been a series of little battles trying to establish new boundaries.  It's also been a lot of video game playing with Mommy.  I am also grateful for all of my family that has closed ranks around us. 

I've been trying to write something for the last few months on here but I really couldn't quite complete the note until now.  Six months have passed since Jesse had a seizure and died while I was a quarter of a mile down the street folding clothes and making a list of things I had to do before the next morning.  Six months have passed since I came home and Jace told me Daddy had another seizure.  Six months have passed since I walked into our room thinking I would help him get into bed and get some rest like so many other times before.  Six months have passed since I turned him over, saw his eyes, and knew that he was gone even as I ran to the apartment next door for help.  Six months have passed since we gave him CPR until the ambulance came.  And six months have passed since I walked from the hospital waiting room to see them pulling the sheet over his face.  Six months ago today and life has changed.  But we're going on just like life does.


    Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.


    November 2012